Future Facts #3: Religion

By Time-Traveller Extraordinaire John Titor

Let me set everyone straight on the future of religion.  You vastly inferior people believe in such untenable notions as agnosticism and atheism. You think agnosticism and atheism are innocent enough concepts but these ideas were later a terrible cause that led to people denying all reality. At first atheists only believed in the empirical and testable universe but this was a slippery slope that later caused atheists to believe that the boxes at the store were empty unless they could test it. It got so bad that people had to invent transparent cardboard with some help from Scotty. Interestingly enough, the trend of atheists denying everything is already apparent. Atheists deny so many thing that they’re already denying atheism itself. A Pew poll recently showed that 21% of atheists believed in god in 2009.

Atheists can sometimes pride themselves on their ability to disrupt a Sunday dinner. But agnosticism turned out to be the worse kind of poison for any kind of Sunday dinner, and further still, it was a poison for any human cultural concept of hygiene. Agnostics started asking innocent questions like, “do I know or can I know that I need a bath?” Pretty soon society was overrun by stinky fence-sitters. It is probably the worst crime against humanity not to believe in basic truisms as “put on deodorant.” Eventually society just had to kill the stinky lot of them. Normally history looks back at genocides as some kind of atrocity. Well, agnostics were just an exception.

In the distant past (about 40 years in the future from your time), Pope Yaddy WhackMcClad was the last Catholic pope, after she made the laughable claim that there was a God and Afterlife. The Vatican was then replaced by two religions at war. The Way of Infinite Stress already began its existence in a mutually fatal Jihad with the newly established Church of Perfectly Reasonable Demands. The Google-lama (click here for information about newly founded google church in your time) tried desperately to keep peace but the 4 Chanistic cults provoked the superpowers into war. The war saddened the Google-lama. Because the Google-lama could not reason with people caught up in the religious strife, she spent her time forming stronger relations with T-Mobile (producing things much cooler than the Google Phone, let me tell ya). After the war, the Google-lama’s sleepless nights and 24-7 work finally proved fruitful. By the 2170s, people got more relaxed about faith with the dominant religion of the period being the Brotherhood of Pleasant Things and Pretty Flowers, a new kind of religion all produced wirelessly by T-Mobile.

The Church Of Google Is Already Founded In Your Time. But A Google-lama Is Still Pending. Credit Given To: http://www.thechurchofgoogle.org/

During the period of Brotherhood of Pleasant Things and Pretty Flowers religious pluarlity and diversity were deemed so important that it was mandatory. my own great nephew was a Daydream Believer before his forced conversion to Tom Hanksianity. But eventually people got tired of peace and diversity, so a new era of religious intolerance was ushered in. Who created this era of intolerance? None other than Pat Sajack. Wheel of Fortune was banned by the UN in 2169 because spinning wheels can actually lower your IQ if watched in 30 minute segments. 224 year old Pat Sajak, poor and without a job, found the hidden truth that peace and civility spoil the goodness of humanity (causing them to watch spinning wheels for way too long). So he knew he had to create religious intolerance. In this new era of intolerance, two religions of “yes we can” and the opposite extreme religion of “no we can’t” were created. Eventually, MSNBC wanted to know, “yes we can what?” and “no we can’t what?” Instead of the two competing religions explaining “yes we can” and “no we can’t,” the two religions reduced to simply “yes” and “no.” Thus, harkened in the era of the two religions known as the Church of Yes and the Church of No.

By The Year 2150 2/3rds of Americans Will Identify Themselves As Tom Hanksians. They Will Also Congregate And Chant, "Wilson!"

I can’t go any further than 2181 and tell you what happened to Noism and Yesism. But I can tell you this. By 2181, evolution still is controversial, though everyone believes in it. As late as 2172, I’ve read Sunday editorials where people just argue over whether we diverged from other apes 3.1816 million years ago or the heretical claim that we diverged 3.18165 million years ago.